Found in Translation

     For many years I have been searching for something, even when I didn't think I was, there was a subconscious hunt taking place. During the time I knew I was looking, I was restless in my efforts. I read, studied maps, interviewed people, and wrote about my findings. But at the end of each book, each conversation, I was more lost than when I began my search. It would be difficult, I was learning, to find...myself. After a long while of getting no where fast, I realized that the path I was looking for was not one I could borrow from another's experience. It didn't matter what others had written or what they told me about their own "once was lost, now am found" venture. Rather than an organized journey with set timelines and expected outcomes, it would be a haphazard exploration of the inner me, and a little bit of the world.

      After escaping my shamble of a childhood, I found a lot of things that I thought would make me content, and maybe they did. But being content wasn't what I wanted. I find content being synonymous with settling. It has become my belief that people should always be striving for something, always working to make something in their life or about themselves better than before. While my life WAS better than it had been, I wasn't really happy. I never felt that I was doing a job that made a difference, or living a home life I wouldn't change for the world. I felt stuck, as I know many do, in a no where job and a no where future (a favorite mantra among community college advertisement). Then I met someone.

      My husband changed my world, my vision, my life and how I wanted to live. It wasn't something he said or did exactly, although his words and actions were and are a big part of it. It was just who he is and what his vision of the future is. He opened my eyes to new places, different cultures (anyone who can learn Greek deserves applause), aspects of the planet I'd never considered before. These new things were not unknown to me in the past, they had just been unimportant (the only things I ever thought were meaningful about the Spanish language were how to get to the bano and where the fiesta was). I had been wrong, and it took Mr. Right to open my eyes. I began to understand through my own experiences that the world we live in is very intricately weaved, like a hand made organic Cotten blanket (my inner hippie loves those!). But I was saddened to see how many holes there were in it, no one can stay warm with a holey blanket, as much as they might think their section is the only one that matters. Let's face it, when your foot sticks out, the rest of your body gets cold, too.

      All of these aspects of life that I have been shown make me realize there is a lot of opportunity to bid contentment farewell. With the amount of unrest and need in the world, there is no expectation of idleness in one's self, only achievement and accomplishment. A good friend of mine expressed her satisfaction and feeling of that kind of accomplishment with her career choice the other day. While I had so long only thought of her as being treated like another number, she made me see that maybe she is, but one of a very few numbers willing to give and help others like she does. She showed me that feeling of making a difference that I wanted.

      After all of these events, I am still looking for myself, but now I know what I am looking for. I want to influence and be influenced, be deeply effected and do the same to others. I understand now that my world is only as strong as the outside world, I want to be a part of that. There is an entire existence outside of my own, I want them to be one in the same. When I do find myself, I want to be making a global impact, a human connection, an environmental collaboration. I don't want a job, or even a career, I want a life-long triumph over contentment.

      Stay tuned for future revelations, I expect to be completely overwhelmed. And I welcome it.